Bootle’s Bachelor Boy

Hello everybody I’m Kevin, and I’m Frank’s best man
I believe it’s my job to take the mick, so I’ll do the best I can!
I’ve known Frank for a very long time – in fact for most of my life
He was the one to call for a short-notice drink – because he didn’t have a wife
So Helen although you’ve put a stop to that we couldn’t be more delighted
We’re thrilled Frank’s found someone so lovely with whom he is finally united
There’s only one fly in the ointment between the pair of you
It’s that Helen’s a proper Liverpool fan whereas Frank’s more a shade of blue
I have to say that when Frank was younger he had an impressive mane
So to watch it disappearing over the years has caused him a bit of pain
So to save him from sadness on this his big day I thought I’d give him a gift
So Frank please wear this hair-bear bunch wig as I’m sure it’ll give you a lift
In fact I think you look very handsome a bit like a Scouse George Clooney
Unlike your usual look which is more pre-transplant Wayne Rooney!
You may not have Wayne’s footballing skills but you’re not without a talent or two
And it doesn’t take much of a karaoke to get a tune out of you
In fact if you were a little bit younger I think your only goal
Would be to get yourself on The X-Factor and sing for Cheryl Cole
You sing like The King and dressing up as him has always brought you joy
Although we always said you were more like Cliff the permanent Bachelor Boy
But now we’ve had to eat our words as your new love has unfurled
As you’ve ditched Bootle for Southport and moved right up in the world
But then you’ve always had a bob or two, or so you always said
Which is probably one of the reasons why Helen agreed to wed
After all she knows about tax relief and taking care of the pence
So I expect in purely fiscal terms getting married to you made sense
In fact you’re renting out your old house and the tenants recently called me round
To help them tidy up the place and here’s what we have found
So perhaps it’s not just your cash Helen’s after, there may be other things as well
But as it is your wedding day, we won’t expect you to kiss and tell!
And to think that for a while there, we thought you’d been left on the shelf
While actually you were waiting to find ‘the one’ and you’ve done very well for yourself
And obviously we were all chuffed as your Geordie stag was a bit of bash
With culture and cuisine and go-karting and a little bit of time on the lash
This really is a very happy day and if anyone would be truly glad
It’s the person who I know you miss the most and that is of course, your dad
He said one day you’d meet the perfect girl, someone to wear your ring
And not long after there came a blind date with the lovely Helen Dring
And from that day to this, you’ve barely been apart
As it didn’t take long to realise you’d captured each other’s heart
So raise your glasses with me now to salute the happy pair
To Frank and Helen and the future that they’ll share
Starting with Jamaica’s shores which beckon you quite soon
For rum and reggae and relaxing on your fabulous honeymoon
The perfect start to a lifetime filled with laughter, love and kisses
As Bootle’s biggest bachelor boy has finally found his Mrs!

Jimmy’s Big Day

11th October 1982, a day just like no other
As I came into the world, along with my astrological brother
And we were both called James, once again the same
Although I haven’t got Mayo as a secret middle name
We first met on the rugby field, I was normal, he was posh
He wore a ridiculous school uniform and his school cost loads of dosh
He had knee socks and a blazer, a cap like wee Jimmy Krankie
All of us from the state school thought it was really wankie
But we both ended up at the Grammar school and a true friendship was found
And I’ve always been delighted to have my Jimmy around
In fact he’s one of ‘The Lads’ we’ve known each other for years
Shared many times of laughter and maybe a couple of tears
His house parties were infamous, though he could never take the pace
He’d pass out early on, leaving us to wreck the place
But his parents never knew as next day he could never wait
To get his Marigold gloves and pinny on and set the whole place straight
His bedroom was immaculate, all the surfaces were clear
But open up the wardrobe and you’d find all his gear
We’d stand above the kitchen fan and smoke a joint or two
Rolling spliffs was something adventurous and new
But soon were puffing away, a skill we really honed
As our smoke was sucked into the kitchen, where his mum risked getting stoned
Jimmy’s been a chameleon, we remember the surfer-dude phase
And the heavy metal attire seemed more than a fleeting craze
But of course he’s finally matured, ditched the T-shirts and wearing black
He’s now much more sophisticated – just like Bergerac
He needs to look suave – it’s part of his career
But what he actually does for a job, we have no idea!
It’s amazing he’s done as well as he has – as he’s never been keen on change
He can be reduced to a seething mess by a furniture re-arrange
Once when he was out Katy moved the couch a bit
And when he got in it was melt-down – James really lost his shit
So hats off to Katy for putting up with his mummy’s-boy ways
His Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and the amount of sport he plays
We’ve always been into rugby, but now he’s giving golf a go
He’s got all the gear and no idea, I’d hardly call him a pro
In fact his handicap’s enormous, and despite having all the goods
I’ve seen him play, and safe to say, he ain’t no Tiger Woods!
We gave him a good stag do, took Dublin by storm
Broken fingers and a broken phone meant Jimmy was on form
He was dressed as Mr Motivator, which was quite a disturbing sight
Especially as he loved his leotard and kept it on all night
And now he’s getting married, the bro-mance may be done
But I know that in Katy, he’s really found ‘the one’
On the night they met, how he managed to woo her, isn’t totally clear
As he was incoherent after too much Ibizan beer
But he must have said something right, as here we are today
And I’m so proud and happy to help send him on his way
I don’t think Jimmy being married will stop us being matey
I just have to accept, I’m second best, after the wonderful Katy

Mr and Mrs Day

Hanging around in the shop after school – Rhodri first spotted his Mrs
But it was years before fate intervened with a future of love-hearts and kisses
In fact although in the small-town way they bumped into each other quite a lot
It wasn’t until a gig in Cardiff they realised just what they’d got
Not only a shared love of the Stereophonics but a match in every way
And side-by-side they realised is where they wanted to stay
But there was distance in between them at the start of their romance
With Rhodri going to Birmingham whenever he got the chance
It was there Sarah impressed him, with the speed at which she bought frocks
And she let him take her to the pub and watch football on the box
You’re a match made in heaven, both thoughtful, kind and caring
And together you’ve a future that is truly made for sharing
You have the same values in life, both love family and friends
And when we’re in your company the laughter never ends
You bring out the best in each other and let each other shine
And I know that whatever the future brings – together you’ll be just fine
There is a well-known saying that opposites attract
And in some ways, with the two of you, that seems to be a fact
Sarah likes to get things done, whilst Rhodri’s just plain lazy
He’s happy to sit on his bum all day – and that drives Sarah crazy!
Today is a celebration, a sealing of the deal
Of the love and commitment the two of you both feel
Rhodri I have to say, if I’d searched the world from end to end
I couldn’t have chosen a nicer guy to be with my best friend
Today is the beginning, a new phase in the life you share
Knowing wherever your journey takes you the other will always be there
You’ve found such happiness already and that’s how it’s going to stay
As you head off into the future as Mr and Mrs Day
So just keep doing what you do, keep up the love and laughter
And it seems to me, you’re guaranteed, a happy ever after!