Bootle’s Bachelor Boy

Hello everybody I’m Kevin, and I’m Frank’s best man
I believe it’s my job to take the mick, so I’ll do the best I can!
I’ve known Frank for a very long time – in fact for most of my life
He was the one to call for a short-notice drink – because he didn’t have a wife
So Helen although you’ve put a stop to that we couldn’t be more delighted
We’re thrilled Frank’s found someone so lovely with whom he is finally united
There’s only one fly in the ointment between the pair of you
It’s that Helen’s a proper Liverpool fan whereas Frank’s more a shade of blue
I have to say that when Frank was younger he had an impressive mane
So to watch it disappearing over the years has caused him a bit of pain
So to save him from sadness on this his big day I thought I’d give him a gift
So Frank please wear this hair-bear bunch wig as I’m sure it’ll give you a lift
In fact I think you look very handsome a bit like a Scouse George Clooney
Unlike your usual look which is more pre-transplant Wayne Rooney!
You may not have Wayne’s footballing skills but you’re not without a talent or two
And it doesn’t take much of a karaoke to get a tune out of you
In fact if you were a little bit younger I think your only goal
Would be to get yourself on The X-Factor and sing for Cheryl Cole
You sing like The King and dressing up as him has always brought you joy
Although we always said you were more like Cliff the permanent Bachelor Boy
But now we’ve had to eat our words as your new love has unfurled
As you’ve ditched Bootle for Southport and moved right up in the world
But then you’ve always had a bob or two, or so you always said
Which is probably one of the reasons why Helen agreed to wed
After all she knows about tax relief and taking care of the pence
So I expect in purely fiscal terms getting married to you made sense
In fact you’re renting out your old house and the tenants recently called me round
To help them tidy up the place and here’s what we have found
So perhaps it’s not just your cash Helen’s after, there may be other things as well
But as it is your wedding day, we won’t expect you to kiss and tell!
And to think that for a while there, we thought you’d been left on the shelf
While actually you were waiting to find ‘the one’ and you’ve done very well for yourself
And obviously we were all chuffed as your Geordie stag was a bit of bash
With culture and cuisine and go-karting and a little bit of time on the lash
This really is a very happy day and if anyone would be truly glad
It’s the person who I know you miss the most and that is of course, your dad
He said one day you’d meet the perfect girl, someone to wear your ring
And not long after there came a blind date with the lovely Helen Dring
And from that day to this, you’ve barely been apart
As it didn’t take long to realise you’d captured each other’s heart
So raise your glasses with me now to salute the happy pair
To Frank and Helen and the future that they’ll share
Starting with Jamaica’s shores which beckon you quite soon
For rum and reggae and relaxing on your fabulous honeymoon
The perfect start to a lifetime filled with laughter, love and kisses
As Bootle’s biggest bachelor boy has finally found his Mrs!